I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, they’d be happy for a while.
~Don McLean “Bhaiyyaa”
You know how in life there are some events that remain etched in your head forever and ever and ever??? There are some people who piss you off and make you convulse with laughter and throw up your last meal in sheer disgust all at the same time? This one is one of those PNPC sessions. Donno what PNPC is? Ask a bong. Between Devdaas, Parineeta, and me you are getting quite a Bong update.
I started my Technical Writing life as an Instructional Designer (Yeah NIIT!). I still remember sitting in 8 Balaji (Aaaaaaah!!! Now I realize, that was a sign of things to come . . . Kissa KNIIT Kaaaa) and filling out this humongous personal information form (where the only missing questions were – enter the TLC, DLC, Bilirubin, Hb .... levels for the last 5 years!!)
Doing all that – List 4 strengths, 4 weaknesses (I couldn’t write – puppies, chocolates, perfumes, and shoes could I???) then along came a field – Position Applied For: I walked over to Mr.Brinjal and asked what is the name of position I am applying for – he smiles that well-practiced, super-smooth HR spider smile and replied “Instructional Designer.” Okay, so far I have been a faculty, senior faculty, corporate trainer, Academic Head in Aptech but what’s this animal?!
I should have got an Oscar (hmmmm if not that at least a Star Parivaar award) for the look I faked and the panache with which I said “Thanks Mr. Brinjal.” Wrote it and was dying to know what in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost am I getting into?!
I spent 4 hours doing those INVASIVE NIIT tests (do they still do that? I doubt it – the current display of skills from NIITians stuns me!) all with my loving caring better-half (I know it’s classically the woman who is called the better ½ but then you don’t know my pran nath ;-D) waiting outside.
Thereafter I am pushed off to SDA and asked to wait for Kash. Oh Geez! That man was some wannabe negative character out of a soap opera!!!! We wait and wait and wait, his highness comes in after a lunch, a post-lunch stroll, and maybe a lil siesta to boot!!!
First question - "So you are incorrect name?" I say "NO. I am correct name
Oh when I came in, a roly-poly over-grown Farex baby asked me write an essay on "Preparing a cup of tea." I had actually scared the life out of his minion when I asked the minion – why do you want to check my Home-Science skills? You do have a vending machine here? Don’t cha(i)????
Poor bong minion backed off! Later I find out that’s standard NIIT stuff!!!!! So Kash asks me to write the tea-preparing manuscript and I am quite intimidated by his sardonic-smirk (WHAT?? Me intimidated- you think?? What can I say, I was young and he was spooky). And of course, by now I am dying to know what the heck is this place and what’s the work I am to do???? No thoughts about salary, where will I live, just morbid curiosity. Anyone who knows me, knows my bulldog like tenacity when I am irritated and my curiosity is khurechofied and I am piqued. BTW NIIT at that time was full of Southies and Bongs! Maybe my papers moved fast cause of my name? (In that NIIT era an average hire time was 6 months!)
So, I wrote up this fancy essay that started with “From the Royal Gardens of China to the dusty streets of Delhi.” I am grilled about spelling errors - I asked Kash - The word processor here has a spell-checker no?! Wonder why there is this obsession of confusing writing with spellings, standards, guidelines?! I know I do it too, but that's the second pass work!!! Editing != Writing. Call me defensive but studies show you can understand what I write :~D
If I ever were to meet an interviewee like the way I was that day - I would blacklist the person!!! But, I won't do a Bhangrarap on the interviewee's raw nerves!! He goes back on his chair and I wait for either the chair back or his spine to snap but no such luck!!! He asks "You in a hurry?" I reply "No, I am hungry." Now I know that's also part of NIIT stress-testing!!!!!
(You wondering where Pappu is? Hold on, we'll get there.)
To cut a long story short – I made the cut and finally joined STRIDE. Kash put me off but then I met KK – who is an institute in himself. The BEST person to learn this type of work from. I actually nearly joined ST Micro but Que Sera Sera. And thank GOD!!!
First project is a nightmare, you see at that time I had already been a REAL trainer for 3 years and I am a born trainer – I HAVE TO KNOW THE REASONS! And here there are these people who have rules and can’t explain the reasons. They havn't even given a presentation!!! So, I ask “Whhhyyyy?” I am sent from person to person. I feel very sad and lost initally but I get around to doing things THEIR way. My very first project was on MMC and IIS – very fancy stuff.
Strangely, the big-wigs see “potential” (maybe a scapegoat?!) and I am on a PILOT project for Computer Associates (CA). We all had to study and give a test BEFORE we could start writing anything!!! I scored the highest (applause!) and therefore got the techyest modules (bummer)!!!
(Where IS Pappu? Just one more para and you get to meet him and his lachrymal tale of woe!!!)
So, a lot of CA projects happen and we do some CBTs, ILTs, (if you don’t know what all these terms are – go away and see IndiaFM.com and never ever return to my blog!). To deliver (ahem!) the product we had to cut a CD and place the entire image on an FTP server.
We were an all-women team with Pappu Bhaiiyaa as our manager. Pappu was good at his work buuuuttttt his wife was also in the same place and she was considered the “better half” His review comments were bizzare!!!! One day he writes "I think you missed a period here." EXCUSE ME!~~~
One day he asks one female to stay back – she politely declines, next day another female ... same denial, so he has to stay late and do the uploads! So what’s the problem we wonder? Later we find – he stays with inlaws and they LOCKED HIM OUT cause he missed his curfew!!!! What?! In India? A bong Jamai?!!! Shetaaa ki? Ai rokom keo kore? Jai ho – total sarbonash! As my in-laws have taught me the language. (Bang – Feedback?)
Next day, the all-angry-women brigade corners the skip manager and regale him with our versions of the tale. Pappu is still home, maybe catching up on his lost self-esteem and sleep. KK and PC have a tuff time cause how can they tell us what they really want to???
Pappu walks into work and sees all of us in the “BallPark” (that's the name of the SDA IIIrd Floor meeting room). Pushes his glasses higher, stylishly shakes his mane back (a real Clinic Plus Jhalka Jhalke look) and gingerly perches his tush on a chair. A lot of angry sulks, smirks, rolling eyes happen. Two managers who are amused and pissed, five writers who are about to quit enmass or boycott Pappu, .... the rest of STRIDE walking and staring into BallPark! You get the drift.
KK starts telling us about emotions, people, team, chi, force of life, respect, .... KK always used to ask "Share your feelings." Ahem ahem... Very soon - Pappu bursts into tears!!!!! He is on a "Nobody loves me" trip.
Ash has by now covered the Orange NIIT notebook with such intense doodling that’s it’s not funny!!!! 3 million stars, 5 suns, 14 mountains, .... KK sermonizes and in true Rieki spirit – we all hold hands, close our eyes, breathe out the negeative vibes, and oh geeez!!! It was so tuff to control the gurgling tidal waves of laughter!!!
Pappu was crying and we all women folk started crying (Ash – did u cry too?!) more in sympathy and a wolf-pack mentality then any real sorrow. Honestly though, this man had some serious unresolved issues. He was in the shadow of his wife and maybe liked to dominate woman professionally in retaliation?! (Can you recognize a MAD show of super analysis?? It’s all because of a certain individual – who actually has a theory for EVERYTHING!!!!! Oh mighty one - never discard me!!!!) One day Pappu asks me "Is there some unfulfilled need that makes to talk so much?" WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT and where does he get his stuff?! I was rendered speechless - that's known to happen in extremely shocking conditions!!!
So, Pappu cries, Pappu is hugged, Pappu gets paaani, and a lot of Reiki moments later – 5 females dash to WaterLoo (the area we had the vending machs and the Loos) and laugh laugh laugh till we are exhausted!!!!
Pappu – if you ever read this – I learned a lot from you but you need to lighten up man!!! Sorry if I hurt your feelings but you so pissed me off.
PS - It's time to remind you of the disclaimer.
